Frustration

„Can you believe we’re here?“ Francis played with the damp grass surrounding them, watching the sky go from black, over violet, to a lovely, warmer getting orange.

Alec leaned back until he was laying on the ground, eyes closed, feeling it getting warmer by the minute. „I know I saw a lot of sunrises in my life, but never like this. You know what I mean?“ Francis nodded „I think.“  
„Moments like this make me realize I’m here and alive, still alive.“ Francis nodded again when Alec sat back up to look at him. Always lovingly, never disgusted or dissapointed. Every day it made Francis wonder how he deserved moments like these.

„Not just alive but alive together with you.“

Francis chuckled at that and looked back at the sun and her first rays, lighting up the atmosphere, brightening the world, warming their bones.

„Can I ask you something?“ Turning his head back at Alec he accepted „Hm?“

„Why cant you see what I see?“  Francis just looked at him for a few moments.

„What do you mean?“

„I tell you so often and honest but you seem to brush it off every time. You’re beautiful. In every way I can think of.“

„Well maybe you dont look close enough.“ He looked back at the ground and fumbled with the sleeve of his sweater.

The honest answer was – he simply didnt know. Something in the back of his head was still telling him he was worthless and looked disgusting, he couldnt control that. How he wished it would all just go away and leave him his happiness, just this once in his life, please.

„Maybe YOU dont look close enough. I love how you are and I love how you look…“ He wouldnt just let this pass again, he wanted Francis to understand.
Moving closer he talked quieter, on the edge of a whisper.
„…and I love how you smell. And i love how you beg me in the mornings for one more cup, It almost breaks my heart to say no to you every morning…“

He chuckled, moving a little closer again and gently planting a kiss on Francis‘ cheek.

„And I love your blush. I love your hair and your eyes and your voice, I love your nervous laughter when you’re shy and I love your ridiculous intollerance to alcohol.“

This time he didnt chuckle, he rather lightly pressed his lips against Francis‘.

„I love how you sleep, even if you turn and toss a lot you still look so peaceful and calm. I wish you could always feel like that. You are so scared when you’re awake, I can feel that. I love your figure, you know that but for some reason cant accept, you flinch a lot when I touch you.“

He could hear Francis sigh softly, his breathing was shaky.

„I know that I will never fully understand how big your fear really is. But I have insecurities, too. I hope sometime, as soon as possible, you will accept I love you like this. Even things you think nobody could possibly love. It never borthered me for even a second that your body is this soft, not ever. And it never will, okay? Because I love that you are big. And I love your little double chin and I love your chubby roundish fingers and I love every single roll of chub no matter where on your body.“

He kissed Francis again and could feel the heat coming from his reddened face.

„It doesnt matter what it is, Francis, I love everything you are. Please tell me why you cant accept that, Ist exhausting because I dont know what I am doing wrong, I do everything I think could help. If you think you have to change to be happy I will help you. Please, just tell me what it is, It kills me to see you unhappy.“  


The first few birds were waking and sang in moments of silence. Francis sighed deeply and smiled lightly, just enough, and turned his head again to look at Alec, frustration in his gaze. He leaned in and pulled Alec closer for a deep hug.


„I dont know.“